We Have a Choice

As you may have noticed, I have been off the radar for the past couple of months.  Our attorney advised that I stay away from possibly giving the bank any ammunition that could be used against us.  Although, I do believe, had he read my blog, he would have realized that this is not the track that I have taken in my writings.   My goal, as these words evolve, is aimed at helping follow mortgage fraud victims get through the emotional trials that come with taking on the challenge of fighting the bank.  My understanding of the law and what it should mean has been skewed by the process and therefore not where my strength lies.  My strong suit emerged from a soul screaming for relief.  Only when I silenced the screams was I able to hear the message.

When we grew up we were all led to believe that you “can’t fight City Hall;” however, if “City Hall” is breaking the law, they will continue to break the law until someone has the guts to stand up and cry foul.  That choice, however, comes with consequences, both financially and emotionally.  Many of us are not equipped to handle the onslaught to ones psyche that comes with the decision to stand one’s ground.

For those of you whom have experienced this, you know that there are going to be days where you might have to make the decision between paying a bill and eating, because all of your extra money is being used to stay afloat through the judicial process that, as we all know, takes forever.  You know that through the years of your fight your home is suffering and there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it.  It is somewhere in the midst of all this chaos, when the realization of the consequences of the decisions made, that most jump ship; questioning their decisions, wondering why they even tried.  During this extreme anguish is when most decide that its’ not worth the fight anymore; and for some, they are probably right.  Then there are those of whom, although, very angry and frustrated, know, that if they don’t stand and fight now, they will never be able to get a foothold in life again.

Our age was a driving factor for me.  Here we were in our late forties, now early fifties; in my mind we didn’t have the luxury of quitting.  Not fighting and standing our ground would have meant not only giving up on the truth, it also meant giving up on us and our future.  No one had the right to take our future from us based on a lie; however, no one else was going to fight for our lives and our future like we would.  Realizing ones mortality in this world gives way to a totally different perspective on what is important and what is not.  Struggling for the rest of our lives because someone thought it was alright to steal our property from us was not acceptable; so therefore we continued to fight.

There were many times when I wondered if I was doing the right thing for us; many times I believed that I had doomed us to a life of hell.  My mind took me to very bad places that were not acceptable for who I believe that I am as a person.  Negativity was drowning me and what was worse, it was my own negativity that was holding me under.

It’s not easy to accept that you are your reason for failing.  It’s not easy to understand that your thoughts are what drive how your day, week, month or year is going to go.  It’s not always easy to understand that you can control those thoughts and get through all that the world wants to put upon you.  No one can really steal your happiness unless you allow them to.

Someone once told me that I had “no joy”.  My response was “What the Hell Do You Mean I don’t have any joy?”  I would have been livid had my response not been such a jolt to my own mind.  My response to this “accusation” was far from sounding joyful.  It was a moment of awakening, where my mind was questioning exactly what “joy” was all about and exactly where the hell had mine gone.

There was no exact moment as to when I decided that I was my own worst enemy in this whole process.  The biggest revelation was the fact that I wasn’t being grateful for all the wins we had throughout this journey.  I was taking everything very personal when all of it was very impersonal in the scheme of things.  In the court system, we are not living, breathing human beings; we are names on paper, with a biography that is written by people whom have never met us.  We are the subject of an argument and the basis for the proceedings.  We are not flesh and blood and we are definitely not an emotional entity with any sway on the court.

Although we were financially screwed, many times throughout this process, years later, we are still here.  The roof may leak, but at least there is a roof present to leak.  The refrigerator was lacking sustenance in any form of abundance, but there was always a meal to be had at dinner time.  The gas tank was moaning for more fuel that was used sparingly to ensure that we could make a living and although always a month behind, the bills were being paid.  Hindsight tells me that we always survive.  Hindsight tells me that I am richer beyond my wildest dreams.  I have a husband that adores me and has stood by me in this fight for the better side of a decade and my days are blessed with knowing that my children and grandchildren love me and have a special place for me in their hearts.

Has the bank wreaked havoc on our life? Yes.  Have we wreaked havoc on theirs? Yes.  In the past eight years, we have won an avoided mortgage, three appeals and recently, won a default judgment against the bank for possession of a claim that we filed against their forced and illegal insurance.  We will now be able to fix our leaky roof.  We are in the final throws of claiming our judgment against the bank and are now forcing their hand to produce the legal “blue ink” note.  Although this process won’t be over tomorrow, the time left is less than the time already spent.

We got to this point because I came to a crossroads.  Being angry and upset with the world on a daily basis was not acceptable to me.  These types of emotions drain our souls and make us blind to the world around us.  We submerge ourselves in the pain of the moment and forget to put things into perspective as to what really matters to us.  It fogs our perceptions and it leads us to make mistakes, furthering our own personal torture.  What I discovered is that I have control over how I feel and I had to stop and realize all of the blessings that we truly had and have.

I started to go out into the social media world and look for those whom had their lives uprooted as we had.  Be careful what you look for in life, because you just might find it; and find it I did.  I found thousands of homeowners whom were in similar situations; fighting fraud by the bank.  I was able to see and feel the pain of those families who were left wounded at the side of the road and slowly, the fog started to clear.

Gratitude is not just being grateful for a thoughtful gift, or because someone opened a door for you.  It is a daily process to adjust your mind to find the gratitude in all things that make up your life.  Gratitude should be on our minds throughout our day.  Be thankful for the stranger that smiles at you in passing.  Be grateful for time spent with those you love and cherish those things that no man, or bank, can take from you.

With gratitude comes patience.  I know that may sound odd, however, it is true.  Once you learn to accept that things are only going to go so fast and that all the worrying in the world is not going to make it go any faster, life will be better and the stress levels will go down.  The past nine months spent fighting the bank over the insurance check was a breeze compared to the years when I wasn’t so accepting of the time wasting efforts of the bank.  From the beginning I knew that it was going to take time, I accepted that it was going to be drug out as far as it could be and I knew in the end, we would win; and we did.

Every day through the process, I did not allow myself to feel the negativity that wanted to well within me.  When those types of emotions tried to surface, I would look around me and know that time moves swiftly and I chose to not worry about it.  I know that this is harder than it sounds, trust me; however, by diligently and with complete awareness I made it so.  I have repeated the mantra “your will not mine” more times than there are hours in a day, each and every day, believing in my soul that complete faith will get us through; and again, it did.

The way that you allow your mind to work is always up to you.  You are your strongest ally and the one who determines how the actions of others affect you.  You can be a sponge and soak up all the negativity that being embroiled in this type of situation can emit, or you can be glass and let it roll off of your back; it’s all your choice.  If you allow yourself to stay focused on what you are grateful for, you will gain an understanding that no matter where you end up in this process, as long as you have those in your life that make you happy, what does it matter what the bank tries to say about you?  In the end we all have to answer to our creator, even the criminals.

I am not saying that you are not going to have bad days.  Trust me I’m no Suzy Sunshine, however, my life has been filled with more peace and the stress levels are at the lowest they have ever been because I choose to be in control of my life and my emotions; not allowing outside forces to dictate my happiness.  It is not an easy process but it is definitely worth the journey.  You were thrown into these legal affairs through no control of your own, however, when it comes to your mental stability and your inner peace; that is all on you.  Don’t let the bank make that choice for you.  It is, and will always be, your choice.