Following a Sister’s Advice…

Today I am going to change the way that I am writing this blog.  After a cathartic talk with my dear sister, I am going to change the visuals of this blog and really let you all know what it really feels like to be caught in a nightmare, such as this.

I want to help others, but I want to help myself as well…I’m tired of “out of nowhere” having tears come to my eyes. The many years of dealing with this has made me internally raw. I don’t talk to Dan (my husband) about it too much either, because I don’t want him to worry about me. You don’t know how many time I wish I hadn’t been this “seeker of justice” and had just walked away…but I didn’t and I have to deal with the residuals of my decisions. I really feel like I was an idealistic fool, who believed in government and the system…I worked my ass off to become someone I could be proud of…of which I think (or thought) I had accomplished. My heart and head hurt over the fact that here I sit, justified for what I did…but knowing that I may have doomed Dan and I to be in this unbearable situation the rest of our lives…made out to be irresponsible homeowners who are now doomed to being destitute for fighting this crime. Tears run down my face right now as I write this to you…see I do need therapy. I want to be happy again…and even though I am out here, totally loving being with my son and his family…my heart still aches.

I have never felt so helpless or weak.  I don’t know how to deal anymore.  I know that I have health issues that I am not able to deal with.  I am concerned about my husband, whose family has a history of heart disease, but because of fighting this fight, we can’t even afford to go to the damn doctor.  Then to have attorney’s tell us that we didn’t do this or we didn’t do that…I just feel crushed under the weight of it all.  We reported the crime and have suffered and continue to suffer…I am hoping that my sister’s advice will help…

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